A few weeks ago I held a “5 Things Every Parent Should Know About Teen Substance Abuse” seminar- a monthly drug awareness class I do for parents. In addition to presenting information ranging from early signs and intervention to how treatment and recovery works, I have some parents of teens who have been through treatment talk to the class about their experience of dealing with a teen substance abuse problem. As I listened to the two dads who volunteered to speak for this last seminar, I was struck by the impression they made as they discussed the recovery journeys of their children and the impact this made on their families.

The following week in our Parent Support Group I asked a dad who had attended the seminar to discuss the most significant thing that he gained from presentation. As if he were reading my mind and knew where I wanted to go with the group discussion, he replied:

“To see how clearly they worked on themselves and actually worked their own recovery programs.”

He went on to clarify that he heard these dads talk about their early denial, misguided attempts at addressing their kids’ problems, initial resistance when they finally landed in drug treatment, and subsequent acceptance of the need to establish their own recovery, which included active participation in Alanon. He was impressed by the fact that they still worked their recovery program to this day- years after their kids have completed treatment. In fact, they identified speaking at the seminar as something they considered to be part of their recovery- service work and giving back.

I used this as an opportunity to candidly address some things this experience brought up for me as I watched this unfold the other night. I was aware of the obvious dedication to personal recovery demonstrated by these parents, and as a result, the ability to describe the dynamic of “family recovery”- a term that comes up frequently in drug treatment, but for the most part remains elusive with regards to actually achieving this. I was also aware of what it took to get them to this point, as their kids had been clients of mine years ago when I ran an intensive outpatient treatment program.

Another point the dad who attended the seminar made concerned statements the parents made about their experience during their kids’ treatment:

“I thought it was funny that they both mentioned how much they hated you for the first two months they were there.”

OK, sort of cute, amusing, but…

I soberly called attention to the significance of that statement. They hated me. Consider the reason this may have occurred. Part of effective drug treatment will inevitably involve being told things by a counselor one does not like to hear. It follows that a really good counselor may actually be despised by the client- for a while. However, the successful client will eventually come around and actually appreciate the counselor for the tough position he or she maintained in helping the client get what they needed.

I made the point of this needing to occur within the structure of a treatment program- where clients are in a sense “captive”- or not as likely to simply quit the program as soon as they hear something they don’t like or agree with.

These parents stated they hated me for “two months”. If you read between the lines on this one, you will realize that an entire episode of primary treatment doesn’t last much more than two months. These dads must have “hated” me for the majority of their kids’ treatment. Yet, there had to have been some period of time for them to come to see me in a more favorable light (?) 

The point is, these kids remained involved in aftercare for long after their discharge from the 8 weeks of primary care. And the parents remained active in aftercare as well. It was during this time that I offered specific opportunities for parents to participate in activities that helped them cross the threshold from “supporting their kids” to establishing their own recovery. The result is what the parents attending the seminar saw and was quite attractive in terms of offering hope for what can come as a result of a seemingly negative circumstance of having a child with a drug problem.

I frequently refer to the idea that when parents sign their kid up for drug treatment, they don’t know what they want. What I mean is they know that their child has a drug problem and they want to get it fixed. But they don’t realize at that time what it really takes, or what it should look like a year or two from now. They certainly have no idea what successful, long-term “recovery” should look for their child, much less the whole notion of “family recovery”.

If you are a parent and have a child somewhere in the process of being treated for a drug problem, you have probably been told “go to Alanon”, “work your own program”, etc. And, as I wrote about in my last post (Alanon: A Tough Sell Around Adolescent Treatment), crossing over that threshold from “doing this to support your child” to recognizing the value of “working a recovery program for yourself” is indeed a tough challenge. My hope is that you keep an open mind to accepting this challenge.

For me, this made me realize the need to continue efforts in helping parents experience their own recovery. While the “Parent Support Group” I currently run is geared more towards allowing parents to discuss issues related to their child’s treatment, I’m recognizing the need to offer programming that distinguishes the difference between focusing on the kids versus establishing personal recovery.

Accordingly, I’m going to start identifying a difference between “parent support”- early stage as they’re learning how this all works, and “parent recovery”- for those who are ready to cross over the threshold and discover the rewards that come with family recovery.

Watch for new “Parent Recovery Group/Class/Workshops coming soon!